In a world full of opinions, conflict, and ego - how often do we still lead with respect?

Respect is a baseline acknowledgement of a person’s dignity, regardless of their views, status or usefulness to us. By initiating with a baseline level of respect, we enable faster formation of relationships and smoother collaboration. It’s something we should offer freely — not hold back as leverage — and be granted to every person we meet for the first time. Nevertheless, while respect should be given, respect can also be lost.

Trust, on the other hand, is a quantity that must be earned. Trust must be earned through consistency, honesty and follow-through. If broken, trust will be far harder to rebuild than it was to construct in the first place.

In this post, I explore how trust and respect work together, why they matter, and how we can be intentional about building both.

What is trust?

In the security world, trust is something that can break your security model. For example, if we give a team member full admin access to the database, we are trusting them to behave correctly, but there are ultimately no safeguards to the integrity or privacy of the data.

We can generalise the idea. Trust is a calculated risk — we allow an entity the potential to cause harm while believing that it won’t. An entity could be anything: a person, some software, a rope. Harm does not need to be intentional — we don’t trust a toddler with a knife not because we think they might try to kill us, but because they do not have the skills to handle the knife safely.

In a professional relationship, trust is placed in people when we believe they will act with integrity and diligence. Risks associated with the installed trust are considered, with appropriate mitigation in place where suitable, such that the benefit of placing trust in someone outweighs the risks associated with it. For example, giving full administrator rights to a user is highly risky. Taking regular back-ups of the database and monitoring data access mitigates the risk of accidental corruption or intentional espionage.

Earning trust

We do not blindly place trust in people. That would be reckless and dangerous. Now of course, if the risks are low we may have a certain level of trust that we assume of people — trust in “the goodness of humanity”, if you will. Nevertheless, those that we trust when the risks are greater have earned that trust.

Trust is accumulated over time through three main avenues: consistency, honesty, and reliability. Trust is also somewhat transitive: if Alice has trust in Bob, and Bob has trust in Cathy, then Alice may also have some level of trust in Cathy through the trust she has in Bob. Naturally, it won’t be as strong, but it gives a head-start.

A significant part of being trustworthy can be boiled down to predictability; if someone can predict how you are going to act, then they can trust in your behaviour. If your behaviour can’t be predicted, then the other person can’t trust that you won’t do them harm.

We can become predictable and build trust in three ways: consistency, honesty and reliability.

Consistency

When you are consistent in your actions you become predictable. When you have shown a stable behaviour in the past, I can predict that your behaviour will be the same in the future. Be consistent in how you show up and interact with people. Be consistent in your decision-making. Be consistent in your processes.

Honesty

Obviously, a liar can’t be trusted. However, in this regard honesty goes further. I can add three more dimensions to what it means to be honest: being open, admitting fault over pushing blame, and being self-reflective.

Being transparent and open means allowing people to understand our thought processes, and allowing them to challenge us when we are wrong. When someone knows why you made a decision, even if they don’t agree with it, they are more likely to engage with us positively and accept the decision. Also, we should not hide when things are going wrong. Informing others when things are going badly is better to be done early so that fixes require less effort by all involved.

Admitting fault is a sign of maturity and leadership. A trustworthy person knows they are not the centre of the universe, and are not infallible.

Being self-critical and reflective is a sign of growth. Learn to analyise and recognise how your actions affected outcomes. You will be more trusted if you can show you are open to change.

Reliability

Our word is our most valuable asset. When we say we will do something, it is important that we follow through on our promises. By having a track record of doing as we say, we can be trusted in the future.

Similarly, we should not gossip. It only signals that you are not a safe person to trust.

Breaking and building trust

When we have built trust, we have demonstrated the qualities of ourselves that make us trustworthy — consistency, honesty, and reliability.

When trust is broken, it means that we have shown that at least one of those qualities was not actually true of us. In order to rebuild trust, we must show not only that we have the quality that was deficit, but that we have actually learned from our experience, grown, and built that quality into who we are now.

This is why I believe it is far harder for someone to regain the trust of another, than to build that trust in the first place.

For the person we have harmed, there is an emotional cost and a fear of being burned again that must be overcome.

This is why it is so important to stick to your word, even in small matters.

Respect: a different kind of currency

We have discussed how trust is earned through demonstrating qualities of consistency, honesty, and reliability. Respect, on the other hand, should be given to all by default as a sign of human dignity. You may build a deeper respect for someone that you know well or who has achieved lots, but every new interaction should begin with a baseline level of respect.

This starting level of respect should assume that the other person is competent and well-meaning, and has value to the wider world. We should give them time to speak and be heard, and not interrupt or talk over them.

However, respect can be lost. No matter what, we should always treat people as we would like to be treated. Nevertheless, if someone displays qualities or behaviours that fall short of the standards we assume all well-meaning and competent people have, the respect we share towards them will similarly fall.

As someone loses our respect, we should not start treating them poorly, of course. Remember the golden rule: “Treat others as you yourself would like to be treated”. However, it would be human to be more avoidant of that person, and not put as much value in their opinions. Should a professional relationship suffer from falling respect, it is important that it is addressed and managed correctly, with discussions with managers, and HR if appropriate.

Respect can be lost through arrogance, incompetence, or the general disregard for others’ boundaries, time, or values. Respect can also be multi-dimensional - you could respect someone’s work ethic, for example, while not respecting their management style.

Interaction of trust and respect

Respect and trust will often move in tandem, but there is no obligation for them to do so.

You may respect someone’s skills, but not trust their motives. You may trust someone emotionally, but not respect their judgement.

That said, in high functioning teams and relationships, mutual trust and respect are present and reinforcing each other.

That is why it is so important to continuously work on the behaviours that strengthen both respect and trust, and make them an integral part of who we are by building good habits.

Building respect

While we should give respect to everybody, we can not control how they give respect to others. Some people may be more open than others. In any case, we may just wish to have a stronger relationship and deepen the mutual respect.

Here are eight ways we can encourage another’s respect of ourselves to grow:

• Listen. Learn to actively listen, not just wait for a gap to say your thing. Especially when there is a disagreement.
• Acknowledge time and effort. No matter the person’s role, their contribution is meaningful.
• Treat everyone with the same level of courtesy, not just those “above” you.
• Don’t interrupt or talk over others — it signals disrespect even if unintentional.
• Be open to feedback without defensiveness.
• Give credit publicly. Critique in private.
• Respect boundaries — personal, professional, and emotional.
• Demonstrate respect towards others, and respect towards you will follow.

Final thoughts

Key takeaways:

• Respect is a starting point; trust is an earned position
• Trust is fragile - harder to regain than to build
• Living with integrity protects both

To build trust:

• Keep your word, even in the small things - people notice
• Admit mistakes early. Honesty in failure builds more trust than hiding the truth
• Be consistent - trust thrives on predictability over time
• Follow through - If you say you’ll do it, do it
• Be transparent - especially when you can’t deliver or something changes
• Don’t gossip or break confidences - it signals you’re not a safe person to trust
• Build trust by proxy - earn trust faster by being vouched for by someone already trusted

To build respect:

• Actively listen
• Acknowledge time and effort
• Treat everyone with the same level of courtesy
• Don’t interrupt or talk over others
• Be open to feedback
• Give credit publicly
• Respect boundaries
• Respect others

Trust and respect aren’t just values to be talked about; they’re behaviours we demonstrate. They’re built (or broken) in the everyday: in how we listen, how we follow through, and how we treat others when it’s inconvenient. You don’t need a title to earn respect, and you don’t need permission to start building trust.

How are you showing up to build trust and earn lasting respect?